Slam Poem: Enough

I once described this feeling I had for you as jumping into a raging river that is begging to take us under.
As we walked on the shore I felt my heart begging for more and you put your arm around my waist and time stopped.
I remember it as clear as day, the smile that lit up your face and it was just me and you standing in that place, the world was no more.
And then you said those words that dug a hole and buried my heart alive.
"You. Mean. Nothing."
Suddenly my mind was swarming with the things I thought to be true and I couldn't tell what was real and what was not.
Like when you watch a show for too long and begin to think that you're alive in the fiction,
That was my mind dealing with all this friction.
Before you no one had stayed, my relationships frayed at the seams.
Best friends come and gone, and not one lasted very long,
Except for you.
Six long years we were friends, a word that unfortunately prophesies how the relationship will end.
I had begun to think you were family, a word that finishes with I L Y.
And I couldn't think ... I didn't know why you went and left me.
So my confidence had waned, I wasn't skinny enough or pretty enough - I just wasn't enough.
I kept silent in front of others just in case I was too annoying for them to want to be with me.
I kept my eyes down, not wanting to look into anothers eyes and see you, staring back at me.
I was cautious and quiet, begging no one to notice how my silence was wrought from insecurities.
I was not enough.
I was a tool to be used in your everlasting torment. A fixture that was only brought back when nothing else was working, a lamp that was turned on only after the light had gone out in the rest of the room.
And no one could see my gloom. The way I looked at others wishing I was them, comfortable in their bodies and welcoming new besties.
I was not enough, for I meant nothing.
These are the things you taught me through our six long year friendship.
And they are the things that haunt me even though that ship has sailed and is never to return,
That is who you made me.
I wanted to remake myself. You are no longer here and that has given me freedom to never again return to the demon of your words.
Memories that flood back, like the basement of my old house that would overflow with each powerful rainfall,  hold no control over me anymore.
This time apart has done wonders. I've grown to love myself and who I am. No longer defining myself through your eyes and what I am not because of what you wanted me to be. I am me.
With all my imperfections, my brown eyes instead of blue, my waist that is not a size two, and my hair that does not cooperate, I am me.
And now, I've found someone else who treats me nice and whom I like, and though your words still roam my mind I find I can shove them out.
I am afraid he will leave just as you did, but I remember you didn't think of me as enough,
And he stares at me wondering how he could ever be enough for me,
Because I am something.